himalayan hop(e)s

it took me awhile to write as during the first few months here in my new country of residence, i was busy trying to manage my disappointment and dashed hopes. i found myself transformed into a tired person, exhausted from being frustrated and living with unfulfilled wishes. and i did not want my words to reflect so much negativity.

i tried to capture so many moments, so many thoughts about life here that would convince me of my happiness. i reminded myself of the postcard marvels available -- the lord buddha's birthplace, tibetan buddhists and hindus praying side by side in the same temples, the himalayas serving as an everyday backdrop. yet somehow it was a life that i felt disconnected from. in truth it was the dicotomy of what i wanted this country to be rather than the reality of its being. it is similar to the people here who automatically speak to me in their native tongue, but slowly retreat into disappointed english when i tell them that i am not from here, do not belong to them, but from a cousin land.

it took me awhile to get used to things here and to stop comparing it to things i knew and to stop matching it up to the hopes and images i had for my projected experience. i had all these notions of what i wanted to get out of this country professionally which in this political climate, really were not realistic.

the mountain vistas seemed like mere rumours upon my arrival through the monsoon mists and garbage strewn streets. but months later, i finally came to terms with the universal frustrations of working here with a fettered role and managed to look at how to accomplish some of my goals rather than hold on to the weight of meeting a lifetime's worth of expectations.

i also managed to travel around the country a bit which allowed me to see the country i wanted. everytime i look at the photos i took during my treks, i still have to gasp in awe of the country's beauty. yes, i am developing a crush on this place after a bad start to my courtship.

i am living in a period of many hopes for the people here. the constituent election is to be held in april. a chance for inclusion and a voice in government is to come to fruition after many years of silence and lack of recognition. a vote for a hope. and yet the lead up to the election brings fears, with security becoming a haunting caution. explosions in public areas with civilian deaths and casualties occur in rhythmic regularity.

as people perform their pujas in the mornings and spin the prayer wheels, i wonder what they pray for? do they pray for good husbands, better harvest, or a new democracy?

will they pray for me?

a study in goodbye; an etching of hellos

time has lapsed with me unable to hold onto the tailend of is memories. much has changed since i committed my experiences to virtual paper. and with the changes, cycles have spun through: deaths and rebirth; sleep and consciousness; activity and dormancy.

i have left new york after 13 years of threats to leave it behind. but like a desperate lover, it kept seducing me back with new promises, hinted hopes of a different life together. and i stayed on, believing in its earnestness and turning a blind eye to its gilded words. but in those 13 years, i knew deep down that we would not wed. i would not and could not call ny my love nor home.