straight up forever your girl, or not

opposites attract, so claims ms. pom-pom go-go girl-girl paula abdul. well thank you ms., but really, how long can someone party all night while the other goes to bed early? i think she would have been voted off american idol if she sang that song today.

men and women are so dramatically different. certainly this is no revolutionary statement, but a mere reaffirmation after taking a hiatus from the dating scene and from my not so unrelated role as a pet detective. lady sherlock here has concluded that men seem to be the presidents of their own fanclubs. communication and actions therefore are sieved through their egos and relayed to all members living south of the belt border.

my attempts at relaying polite rejection by stating that there will be no future meets as "we are in different places in our lives" results in the male responding with a "upon further review, i agree there was no real chemistry...with that said, i would like to find another friend to join me from time to time...are you taking some time away from dating until you figure out where you will be?" this is after mr. own fanclub president #1 tries to vacuum out my dinner via his oral portal. i, of course, gave him the "sorry doll, business call" turn of the cheek when he tried to turn the hoover on.

my favourite revenge insult is from a communist repulsed by social life whom likens himself to be a che guerilla. after his tirades about politics, consumerism and the "violence of text and its myriad distortions", he returns my exhausted boredom and silence with quotes from foucault and a "i suspected all along that you were a gutless, shallow, phony, pretend thinker with little on your mind save your cool shoes and your make-up. people are so fucking disappointing. good luck convincing yourself that your pointless job that your dad got you is actually making the world a better place." ouch. who can compete in verbal diarrhea with a virulent soliloquy-sprouting stomach bug?

in this big bad city where dates are consumed with serrano ham (http://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/roast-dates-with-ham), one of my girlie friends appropriately sends me the link to this love and romance quiz that makes all girls giggle after a few dainty sips of candilicious rose-tinted cosmopolitans (http://quiz.ivillage.com/astrology/tests/sexandthecity.htm).

which sex and the city ladee do you identify with? boys, this one's for you too--just put on those fluffy feather slippers and eat a tub of chocolate ben and jerry's ice cream in one sitting. just remember, in the end "it doesn't really matter cuz we're perfectly matched..."

***

You scored 50% Carrie
Your answers peg you as a Carrie-type, much influenced by the Air Sign qualities associated with Gemini, Libra and Aquarius. Like confident Carrie, a sex columnist, you're curious and perceptive, always seeking answers and never satisfied with the superficial. An Air Sign influence can lead to indecision and an avoidance of tough issues, like with Carrie and her on-again, off-again attachment to Mr. Big. Forward-thinking, incredibly intelligent and witty, you just exude quirky charm. You'd be utterly bored by someone who's just a pretty face or hot body -- though you don't mind looking and flirting! You're more turned on by an equally smart and funny mate, someone who challenges your mind and makes you laugh. You love to talk, so you need a good listener who's open to playful and eccentric ideas about love and lovemaking.


You scored 40% Miranda
You chose many of the same answers that Earth Sign-like Miranda, the cynical but pragmatic lawyer, might have chosen. Just like Miranda's had a tough time deciding whether to give in to the affections of Steve the Bartender, you don't give your heart up to just anyone. Miranda shies away from a relationship with Steve because he's 'just' a bartender, not something more conventionally ambitious or stable. Those with powerful Earth Sign qualities -- characteristics associated with Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn -- are cautious in love and seek stability and status over nearly anything else. Earth Signs provide a steady, realistic attitude and they can bring order out of chaos. A little-known Earth Sign fact: Incredibly sensual, you seethe beneath that smart, expensive business suit of yours, yearning for intimacy but hesitant to give up your material needs, your career ambitions or your responsibilities for a passionate moment that might not turn out the way you'd hope.


You scored 10% Charlotte
A romantic at heart, you chose the answers that demure Charlotte may have chosen. Strongly influenced by the intuitive, profound and sometimes naïve Water Signs -- Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces -- you're like a mother, a mystery and a poet all in one. Though on the surface you may seem innocent and all about seeking the good in people, beneath the surface, you hide secret yearnings for intimacy, for attachment and ideal love. You're seeking a knight in shining armor, a soul mate, someone who will complete you and tether you to the earth when you get carried away with your fantasies. You're super-sensitive, soaking up the moods of others; you emote freely, crying at commercials and sappy movies. You also provide a shoulder to cry on and open arms for hugs. Be careful that you're not so wide-eyed and trusting that you get taken in by some cunning wolf in sheep's clothing.


You scored 0% Samantha
You identify with Samantha's bold and liberated Fire Sign qualities, characteristics associated with the Signs of Aries, Leo and Sagittarius. You're strong, audacious and larger than life -- and you take what you want! Sometimes you can even be thoughtless and selfish, as you get so caught up in craving immediate gratification and excitement that you overlook someone's feelings. Your personal style likely reflects your desires: sleek, low-cut, revealing just a bit more than might be considered acceptable. Watch that you're not coming on too strong, though. You could scare potential suitors off with all your drama. If you seek so much attention, the more basic qualities of the Fire Signs could be burned right out of the picture. Show less skin or cleavage and more of your creativity, your vibrant leadership skills and courageous generosity!