New Yawk Barbs

this is dreadfully un-p.c. and with the sonic speed of gentrification, probably not really that accurate. but hey, you ain't here to read the new york times, honey. so for the new york in all of us, throw some attitude and make fun of everyone that isn't you:


"Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the New York market:

"Staten Island Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at The Staten Island Mall. She comes with an
assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummytuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

"Bay Ridge Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

"Lower East Side Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a
Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills)...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

"Upper West Side Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

"Bensonhurst Barbie"
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.

"Sunset Park Barbie"
This brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Ken out of Bay Ridge Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top.

"Park Slope Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Park Slope Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

"Red Hook Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

"Greenwich Conneticut Barbie "
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always out a-'huntin'.

"Greenwich Village Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts."